i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
