I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
