he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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