This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
