Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
