Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
