Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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