Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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