Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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