every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
