Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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