She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
