Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
