did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
