Old men and throwing up are my life now.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
