just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
