Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
