HIV tests are more positive than that guy
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
