she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
