isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Redeem this text for a blowjob
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
