I'd wear matching sweaters with you
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
