I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
