2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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