Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just cut my nipple shaving
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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