I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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