come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
