I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
