somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
