I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
