I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize