hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
