I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I need to calm my uterus...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
