i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I need moral support for this bender
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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