So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
