my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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