Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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