Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i drank out of a bidet.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
