We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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