woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
