im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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