People in love make me want to vomit
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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