I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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