Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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