smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
