separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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