"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize