Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
