Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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