I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
