You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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