To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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