apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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