you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
