even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
