next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
