No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
