When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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