and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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