And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
