Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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