I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize