I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
