is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
